Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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