He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
