i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
