Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dignity is for republicans.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
