Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
