I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
