i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
