Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
