if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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