Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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