my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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