Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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