I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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