I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
