last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
