My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
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I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
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I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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