turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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