just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
