Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
