Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
