I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
