I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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