it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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