My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
