life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Text me some of your sweat
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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