I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
