it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
