U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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