im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
