You can't special order awesome
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
