so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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