There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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