So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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