apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
