we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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