i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again