Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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