I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
