drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
