i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize