I think my fart just growled at me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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