worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
