I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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