I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The ass gains better be worth it
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