Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
