So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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