Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
