Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
