I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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