Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
